I guess an introduction is in order. I'm Kat. It's been over 25 years since I've had a blog. Back then I had a few blogs over the years; Mermaid Wishes, Lemonade, The Memoirs of Violet Blue, among others. I was part of the "blog revolution" back in the mid 90's and was part of an online journal group called "Open Pages". It included a journal called "Ophelia Z" which turned out to be a dude that was conducting an online journal experiment. He pissed off a lot of people. But I digress.
A lot has happened since I last had a blog. I was in my late 20's then (so you can do the math). I went through a painful divorce, and then finally found the love of my life. We had almost 20 years of marriage and then he passed away, rather quickly, from bile duct cancer in June of 2022. Truthfully, I am still reeling from the passing of my soul mate.
We had an amazing marriage. Like any healthy relationship, life would slap us across the face, and we'd have to face some difficult times, but we always worked through any issues that came up. He was an INTP and I am an INFJ, and I only found out in the last week or so, that those Meyer Brigg types are a "match made in heaven". And I believe it. We were compatible in almost everything, and we got each other. He was the husband every woman wish they could have. Seriously.
I knew losing him would be extremely heart-wrenching, but to this extent? Nope. I never realized how losing him would feel like a part of me was amputated. The morning after he died, I woke up with this horrible pain in my chest near my heart. I can't describe it. But I know what it was: Grief.
So, now 32 months have passed since he died, and it still feels like last week. Nothing can prepare you for the pain that you will feel when your spouse leaves this world. You can try to prepare yourself as best you can but when those last final moments come and you're sitting next to him, holding his hand and whispering how much you love him as he takes his last breath.... no, you cannot prepare for that. It's earth shattering.
And nothing prepares you to accept the title you never wanted: WIDOW.
And so, here I am. Trying to live in a world that my true love is no longer in. I don't wish this pain on anyone. If it weren't for my faith, I wouldn't be here. The pain is almost too much to bear. But I'm trying. I'm trying my hardest to move forward. I'm not moving on, because moving on would mean I'm letting go of what we had, our marriage, our life together... us. I can't do that.
So, I figured this would be as good a time as any to start writing in a blog again. I have a lot of feelings. Why not get them out? Maybe someone could relate. And if not, that's okay. I'm doing this for me.
~Kat
