And Then... Life

This week I celebrated my birthday.  Well, I shouldn't say, "celebrate".  I didn't celebrate it at all.  In fact, it was just another day.  

Last week I had an interview for a job, and thankfully I wasn't offered the position, because I would have had to decline it anyway, due to the hours and location.  But it was still a bit of a letdown, because the extra money would have been nice.  And also, having more people in my life, would probably have benefited me as well. Being an introvert, I tend to isolate myself quite a bit. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.

And then 2 days before my birthday, I woke up early in the morning with the worst pain in my lower left side of my back.  I usually sleep with a heating pad most nights anyway, so I put the pad under my back and tried to stay still for a few minutes, but then I realized, this was way worse than a normal achy back from sleeping in the wrong position.  The pain was intense and with the very little amount of medical knowledge I know from working for the local fire department years ago, I guessed it was my kidney.  I have a very high pain threshold... but this... nope.  I could not handle it.  

I quickly made up my mind that I would need to go to the ER, and I knew I couldn't drive myself.  So after about an hour of slowly getting washed up and dressed in my ratty jeans, t-shirt, cardigan and house slippers, I called my next-door neighbor Peggy who is known to get up very early.  And thank God, she was awake and driving back from an early weightlifting class.  I could barely get the words out, but I said, "I don't feel well." And she said, "Do you need to go to ER?" And I said, "Yeah, I think so."  So she took me.  But on the way, I told her to pull over, because I knew I was going to throw up.  As she was pulling over, I didn't even wait for her car to stop.  I opened the passenger side door and threw up on the ground.  I had never done that before... even in my younger, drinking days.

And thankfully, the ER personnel got me in within 10 minutes.  By this time I was writhing in pain and moaning so loudly I couldn't help it, and I'm sure the people around were wondering if I had an alien inside of me trying to claw it's way out.  (It sure felt like it!)  I told the tri-age nurse that I thought I probably had a kidney stone.  I was suffering for a few hours before they could get me into a CAT scan, which confirmed my kidney stone analysis.  After the scan, they finally were able to give me morphine for the pain, which helped considerably.  It still hurt, but at least I could tolerate it.   They told me the 2mm stone showed up close to the bladder so it should pass in 1-2 days.  Well, it's 4 days later and it still is in me.  Dang pebble!

So, because I'm on pain meds, I had to cancel all my plans for this week.  You know, you can make all these plans, and think things are going to go a certain way, and then... life.  

So the loss of the potential job and this kidney stone, made me reevaluate things in my life.  I had been putting some things off for a while now -- almost a year -- because I just didn't want to have to think too hard.  Going through a traumatic loss sucks the brain cells from your head.  It hurts to have to think, honestly.  After the first year of dealing with shutting down my husband's business, dealing with outstanding invoices, bank accounts, selling his truck, selling our boat, selling our house (in preparation of moving out of state), on top of still going to work full-time while taking care of 3 dogs.... that is a lot. And it's been nice the last few years to have a bit of a reprieve.  

But this past week opened my eyes to the fact that I've been resting too long.  I've gotten too complacent.  Too comfortable.  That was part of the reason why I applied for that job.  But after not getting it and also this fun kidney stone issue, I realized it was time to roll up my sleeves and get things done that I had been putting off. 

So, I've been writing songs for decades -- since high school.  But last year I finally was able to clear the cobwebs from my brain, and start writing again.  Writing a lot.  Like super a lot.  Like "I wrote 150 songs" a lot.  I have had friends and family really resonate with the songs, and also, after putting them on Youtube and Instagram, I've gained a small, but significant following.   And for the last year or so, I've been putting off putting my songs on streaming services.  There are A LOT of hoops to jump through: registering with a Songwriting Association Service, registering your song with the Copyright Office, and then signing up with a Song Distribution Service, and then uploading your songs in a certain format.  They certainly don't make it easy.  

So because of that, I've been putting it off.  For about 7 months now.  I know.  Naughty me.  

But with not getting the job, and then getting this lovely ailment in my kidney, making its way to my bladder, I realized I have nothing really holding me back from making my health and my music career my JOB.  I have the time and the resources.  I really have no excuses.

So today, I finally sat down and copyrighted one of my songs, uploaded the wav file and hopefully in 2-3 weeks I'll have my first single on streaming platforms all over the world.  My late husband, Big D, would be so proud.

So, I guess I can do hard things, even when dealing with a kidney stone.  You think you have it all figured out, and then... life. 

~Kat

Emergency Contact

When you lose your husband to death, there are things that you will have to deal with that you never thought you'd have to.

One is, when going to a new doctor's office, I had to fill out all this paperwork. My eyes glanced down to the row where they ask for the name and number of your emergency contact. For the first time in 20 years I didn't know who my emergency contact was anymore. My eyes immediately filled with tears, and I had to steel myself to prevent a full-on melt down right there in the lobby. I hurriedly scribbled down a new friend's name and number, making a mental note that next time I see her, I need to let her know that she won the prize of being my emergency contact.

That was a shock. It's moments like those where you are hit suddenly with the realization that "your person" is no longer alive and is no longer the one that people could get a hold of if I had some sort of emergency at work or the doctor's office. It really knocks you over mentally and emotionally.

Another crappy thing to deal with is that sometimes the younger generation doesn't know what "passed" means. This happened a few months after my husband died and I had to call the cable company to cancel. I told them I needed to cancel it because it was no longer needed and that my "husband who passed" created the account. The customer service rep asked what the name was on the account and I said my husband's name and that he had passed. They then went on to say that only the account holder would be able to cancel the account. And I asked "How is that going to work exactly?" And they said, "Well, is he there? I can just talk to him to verify." I was thinking to myself, are they really that stupid?! So, I said, "Do you not understand what "passed" means? He's dead. My husband is dead! So, no, he cannot come to the phone." They gasped and apologized and said that in that case I would have to bring a copy of the death certificate to the corporate office so they could close the account.

So yeah... not having my emergency contact anymore hurts more than you can ever realize.

~Kat

 

No Rules for This

I guess an introduction is in order. I'm Kat. It's been over 25 years since I've had a blog. Back then I had a few blogs over the years; Mermaid Wishes, Lemonade, The Memoirs of Violet Blue, among others. I was part of the "blog revolution" back in the mid 90's and was part of an online journal group called "Open Pages". It included a journal called "Ophelia Z" which turned out to be a dude that was conducting an online journal experiment. He pissed off a lot of people. But I digress.

A lot has happened since I last had a blog. I was in my late 20's then (so you can do the math). I went through a painful divorce, and then finally found the love of my life. We had almost 20 years of marriage and then he passed away, rather quickly, from bile duct cancer in June of 2022. Truthfully, I am still reeling from the passing of my soul mate.

We had an amazing marriage. Like any healthy relationship, life would slap us across the face, and we'd have to face some difficult times, but we always worked through any issues that came up. He was an INTP and I am an INFJ, and I only found out in the last week or so, that those Meyer Brigg types are a "match made in heaven". And I believe it. We were compatible in almost everything, and we got each other. He was the husband every woman wish they could have. Seriously. 

I knew losing him would be extremely heart-wrenching, but to this extent? Nope. I never realized how losing him would feel like a part of me was amputated. The morning after he died, I woke up with this horrible pain in my chest near my heart. I can't describe it. But I know what it was: Grief.

So, now 32 months have passed since he died, and it still feels like last week. Nothing can prepare you for the pain that you will feel when your spouse leaves this world. You can try to prepare yourself as best you can but when those last final moments come and you're sitting next to him, holding his hand and whispering how much you love him as he takes his last breath.... no, you cannot prepare for that. It's earth shattering.  

And nothing prepares you to accept the title you never wanted: WIDOW.  

And so, here I am. Trying to live in a world that my true love is no longer in. I don't wish this pain on anyone. If it weren't for my faith, I wouldn't be here. The pain is almost too much to bear. But I'm trying. I'm trying my hardest to move forward. I'm not moving on, because moving on would mean I'm letting go of what we had, our marriage, our life together... us. I can't do that.  

So, I figured this would be as good a time as any to start writing in a blog again. I have a lot of feelings. Why not get them out? Maybe someone could relate. And if not, that's okay. I'm doing this for me.

~Kat